Battle Sleep
by Lex Sterling
Summary: With a memory like Thane's, getting lost in the past in merely a question of when. Finding inner peace, however, is another matter. m!Shep/Thane
1. Chapter 1

_He almost always returned at night. A habit, really. Disappearing in the dead night to return in that same abyss of black. He was always silent. The moons outside Kahje illuminated the sleepy village with soft hues of blue and white. The air was dry, as it was in these domes. His lungs sighed with content, soothed. His last contract had left him tangling in the tropics of an asari planet—always wet and thick with humidity. An unkind gesture from his contractor, but he did not have the luxury to refuse._

_He slipped in through the front door. The room scanned him—a precaution he had set immediately upon returning to his work. The soft light of the scanner filled his body with lines of silver. _

_Identified. Thane Krios. The VI would not wake her. _

_The room fell back into darkness. Stillness. It was nearly tangible._

_His eyes adjusted as he moved silently through the room. He needed no light to find his way across his own home. Drell memory made it possible. He could paint the memory of every corner with striking vividness._

_His body moved like liquid, feet making no noise, furniture undisturbed, the room exactly as he had left it. He took a slight step to the right, padding silently around the kitchen table. His left hand trailed across a chair. He could smell Gralidiya—a beautiful flower of gold, sweet to the senses and native to his homeworld. She always placed a fresh one when she knew he was coming home. A smile crept to his face, the thoughtfulness moving his heart. His battlesleep drifted away into nothing. He was home._

_Kolyat was sleeping—as he should be. Curled tightly into a ball, blankets surrounding him, looking almost suffocated. His face was soft with sleep, but a tenseness knitted his brow. Thane bent over the bed, disturbed by that tension. He drew the back of his hand gently across his sons cheek. Kolyat did not wake but he shifted towards the touch. Thane pressed a kiss to his sons forehead. The tension ceased._

_For a long moment Thane strayed. Wanting nothing more than to gather Kolyat into his arms and reveal that he was home. Kolyat would know by morning. For now, he must sleep. Thane's chest constricted painfully as he stood. He waved his hand in a slow arc and the dim-light Kolyat slept with fluttered into darkness. It was the light that left his sleep so fitful. But he refused to sleep without it. Thane made a habit of turning it off every night when he was home after Kolyat had fallen asleep. Kolyat did not ever notice._

_He shrugged off his jacket as he moved down the hallway. His feet were bare now. The carpet beneath him was coarse. He enjoyed the contrast on his skin. He entered their bedroom silently, but she sensed him. She always did. A slight shuffle as her body shifted. He could feel her eyes on him._

_"Thane...?" Her voice was tired, but welcoming. His knee hit the corner of the bed as he climbed to it. Her hand reached for him, fingers curling behind his neck as she guided his mouth to hers. She turned fully to him, her arms snaking about his body, pressing them close. He settled into the bed. His arms fitted around her perfectly, each of their curves pooling together, melding as one. She was asleep instantly. _

_He held her for many hours after, memories threatening to reach his voice, until finally slipping into sleep._

The memories were not bad ones. They simply left a longing in his chest that hurt worse than the disease slowly drowning him. The drell lay in his cot, hands folded neatly over his stomach, staring blankly at the ceiling above. Finally he forced himself to his feet.

Sleep had never come easy.

* * *

The ship was quiet at this hour. Save for a few wandering crewmen that, by this time, were use to finding Thane ghosting about the ship after hours. When he had first arrived two months ago there had been more than a passing glance of suspicion. He did not blame them. He would not trust himself either in their position.

He moved about the deck with numbing disinterest. Hands clasped behind his back, shoulders squared, each step light, silent. He stopped at the window of the med-bay. His gaze shifted right—silver orbs floating in the oily black flickering to find his own reflection. He looked tired. He felt tired. He took a slow breath and his lungs expanded painfully. He felt a crackling in his chest. He wondered how many more days he had left. And why he cared.

He heard footsteps but did not turn. They were heavy, messy. Someone as tired as he. Victim to the thought that they too could find comfort within the steel walls of the Normandy.

"Thane?" The voice belonged to Shepard. Curious, the drell turned to face him. Thane nodded slightly in acknowledgement. "What are you doing up?"

Thane did not answer immediately. Choosing instead to pick his words carefully. Shepard, instead, answered for him.

"Are you feeling sick?" Shepard gestured to the med-bay. "Should I call Dr. Chakwas?"

"That is not necessary, Commander." Thane offered a smile. "I am just restless."

"Yeah. You and me both." Shepard sighed heavily and dug his fingers into his growing locks. Thane noted the gesture. Shepard did it a lot. Mostly when he was nervous. "I've got a lot of shit to think about. Did you hear what Jack wants to do?" Thane nodded once. Everyone had. Word traveled fast in such tight quarters. It also helped that Jack would prowl the halls practically screaming at anyone she came across what she was going to do to Cerberus and the Illusive Man "when this was all over". "Fucking Cerberus, I swear to God." Shepard pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled sharply.

"Are you worried?" Thane asked.

"Hell yeah I am. I got a psychotic biotic downstairs ready to tear a hole in the hull. I mean, I don't blame her. It's just..." Shepard sighed loudly and glanced to the med-bay. "Are you sure you're all right."

"Your concern is appreciated, but unnecessary. I am fine."

"You don't look fine." Shepard gestured to the drell. "You look like you haven't slept in days." And he had not. "Meditation isn't working?"

"I tend to..." Thane struggled for words inwardly, but outward-appearances indicated he was as calm and collective as usual. "Slip into memories."

"Yeah... That drell thing." Shepard itched at his cheek absently. Humans were so expressive in their gestures. Most of them unconscious, but interesting to note nonetheless. "You know, that would have really been helpful back when I was a kid. It took me forever to memorize the Alliance Fleet song. Mom was always getting on my case. Remembered it. Forgot it."

"They did not resurrect you for your memory?" Same silky, calm, deep tones but a hint of a smile found Thane's lips. Shepard noticed and he laughed.

"Thane Krios! Are you making a joke?" He gave a playful jab to Thane's shoulder (that took every muscle in Thane's body to not react instinctively to with an elbow-shattering deflect). Instead he simply tensed, eyes following Shepard's fist, eyes darting to the man's face—noting the lack of hostility there—and then he forced his body to relax. His body absorbed the impact as though it had not happened. "In all seriousness, about Jack... I guess if it helps her bury that grudge and clear her head, then..." He shrugged slowly. "I don't care if the Illusive Man gets pissed off or not... I just don't know how I feel about planting a bomb on some random ass planet." Shepard's eyes drifted away in thought and Thane numbly wondered if he carried that same vacant expression. Shepard's eyes snapped back to life. "I still need to find a third person."

"I offer my services," Thane replied instantly. "I could use a distraction."

"All right. Sure. Just get some sleep then. We'll be there in..."

"Eleven hours," EDI offered.

"Eleven hours," Shepard said, gesturing mystically in the air towards EDI's voice.

Thane nodded. "Understood."

* * *

**A/N:** I plan on making this very angsty. I just enjoy writing such and Thane is such a good character for it. I'm also very fond of male!Shep/Thane... and it will eventually work its way there.

There will be a lot of "flashbacks". I find Thane's "former life" fascinating...


	2. Chapter 2

_It always rained on Kahje. Warm, salty rain. She looked beautiful in it. Golden scales with a blush of crimson streaked with wetness. The goddesses drew lines across her skin, her face, over her lips. His eyes shamelessly followed those wet caresses, wanting to trail each droplet with his own mouth. Her gaze shifted to find him. He had been gawking. She knew it. She smiled, those perfectly formed lips curving and–_

"–Thane."

Startled, actually startled, out of his memory Thane choked out a strangled, "Commander?"

Shepard stopped immediately and looked to Jack then back to Thane. "I'm really sorry about the rain, Thane." The man looked up to the heavens, blinking away at the droplets that assaulted him. He brushed his hand over his eyes. "I know it isn't–"

"–It is fine, Commander." He didn't make a habit of interrupting others, but the conversation was becoming dangerously parallel to one he had with Irikah many years ago. He straightened fully, hands clasped behind his back. "I am ready for commands."

The rain here did not taste like salt. It tasted bitter. It was cold. He felt a tickle in his throat, a dull ache in his chest.

"Yeah," Jack snapped, fingers twitching, shoulders hunched as she turned, almost animalistic, towards the stairs. "Let's just get in there and plant that fucking bomb. This place is going to burn." She took the lead and they followed unquestioningly.

Thane noted the ruin-like appearance of the building. It was a harsh and cold place even before mother nature drew it back into her arms. The air was stale and heavy, smelling of dirt and rotting leaves. He could taste it on his tongue, but it was an impure taste. It tasted like death. Half the building seemed torn apart by a fierce battle. His eyes shifted to Jack but did not linger. Her agitated movements were enough to express a story: she had done this.

"They use to bring children in these containers," she said suddenly, strained. She reached out slowly, a hand pressing against the broken crate. Her body sagged weakly, tattoo's so strikingly bold against her pale skin. "Some where alive. Most weren't." Empathy? Thane wasn't all together surprised she harbored it. Although her words often indicated she carried a shallow heart, her actions did not.

"That's awful," Shepard muttered quietly. "How could they do this to kids?"

"I don't know," Jack replied flatly. She brushed past Thane roughly before pointing with her pistol. "This way."

The rest of the building continued to be choked with vegetation creeping through the rubble. Thane remained respectfully quiet as he followed. He had drawn his gun some time ago when the first signs of varren became apparent. He had alerted Shepard and Jack—the former finally drawing his weapon. Perhaps he believed he would not need to fire a single bullet. An admirable thought, but foolish.

They came across terminal after terminal, still clinging to life. Jack played each one, emotion shaking her tiny frame. Her rage was quickly turing to turmoil. Each new terminal they played, questions of what she had experienced—had thought she had experienced—was becoming obscure. The other children... they had died for her. Unwilling lab-rats to insure the safety of Subject Zero. Forced to sacrifice their bodies, minds and spirits. Wrestled into chaos, smothered in agony, abused into submission or death. She had not survived because she was the strongest. She had survived because they had died.

Even though years had passed since the children had died here, Thane could see still the disturbances. A slick of black that was years old blood. A scorch of ash, thermal clips, shattered glass. Many had died here. Most innocent. Jack stopped, growling quietly to Shepard that this place had been where the children were pitted against each other. He holstered his weapon swiftly, hands coming together before him. He bowed his head.

Although these souls had departed so long ago, he could still feel their presence. An aching in his joints, a despair. Helplessness. "Kalihira," he whispered quietly. "Guide these young souls to the sea. Embrace their troubled spirits. Kalihira, wash away their pain and grief, lift their souls and grant them peace."

"What are you doing?" Jack asked. His eyes opened and his hands fell away from prayer. "Are you praying? You really think that–" She started off so hotly, voice tittering on the edge of a scream. Those oily-black eyes returned her scowling gaze without judgement. Her anger fluttered way. "Whatever," she muttered. She turned and lead them further into the base.

Not longer after did Thane begin to notice fresh tracks. Dust and dirt powdered away to reveal a wide bi-pedal gait. Not varren. His suspicions became confirmed when they came across a fresh kill of one of the animals. A bullet wound. Shotgun. Close impact.

"Who the fuck would be here?" Jack snapped hotly. "Whoever the fuck it is, I'm going to destroy them."

"Easy," Shepard soothed gently. He rested one hand on her shoulder. She shrugged away from the touch, but calmed considerably. "Let's just figure out what's going on before we go in shooting."

That was why the Illusive Man had resurrected Commander Shepard. Although his combat skills were admirable, and his engineering were bested by next to none, it was not his steady aim that drew so many to him. He could ease your heart and soul with a simple word...or touch. A look.

Guns drawn they entered the next room. Immediately Thane noted five enemies in view. Three krogan and two vorcha. He assumed more lay in wait. He glanced to Shepard—not use to waiting for a command to kill. As expected, Shepard waved their guns down. Thane lowered his Mantis slightly. Jack did not budge.

The biggest krogan's hand dropped away from his ear. He nodded to the two krogan beside him. Instantly, a spray of bullets rained on them. The three took cover, shield's and barrier's groaning in protest under the impact. Sometimes the world had no room for diplomacy.

Adrenaline did not course through his body like most. He felt a slight peak in his heart rate and he filled his lungs with one slow breath. His body complied with years of conditional training. The world around him felt as though it slowed. His memory painted corners where enemies lay. He lifted from cover and fired one shot. The vorcha disappeared from view in a spray of blood.

The krogan were the hardest to take down. Battle-ready and battle-worn, they were extraordinarily gifted in the art of combat.

Thane continued to snipe away the vorcha, prayer on his lips, aim true and clean. When they were gone, he began to whittle away at the barrier of one krogan. Together he and Shepard's combat drone overpowered it. To his right Jack unleashed powerful shockwave after powerful shockwave that shook the krogan where they stood. Stumbling them enough for Thane and Shepard to take calculated shots. Eventually the room lay still.

"Who the fuck were they talking to..." Jack muttered. She holstered her gun, the flaming blue of her biotics radiating her frame. She stalked forward. "Only one god damn room left, and it's mine."

In the room there was only one man. Thane lowered his gun immediately, as did Shepard. The man's face, Thane noticed, was worn, tired and weighted with insanity. His body jittered and shook, empty and meaningless smiles working onto his lips as he spoke. Thane bowed his head, gaze shifting away. This one was tainted with wickedness, but not by his fault.

"Jack, no," Shepard said sternly. He stood between the biotic woman and the insane man babbling of reconstructing the Project. This Project that had sacrificed so many lives. So many innocent lives. "He's trapped in his past. You can't kill him for that. He was drawn back here for the same reasons as you. Only, you're not stuck in the past like he is. You're better than this."

Jack struggled visibly, face contorting. Finally the glow of her biotics fizzled into nothing. "Get the fuck out of here," she said hotly. "And I don't ever want to see you again." The troubled man scrambled past the trio. There was a moment of silence. Subject Zero glanced slowly around the room. She shivered. "This was... my entire world as kid."

Thane turned away, hands clasped behind his back and stepped just outside the door. This confession was not for him to hear. Shepard was more acceptable to provide comfort and understanding. He could still hear them, of course. Drell hearing was exceptional. He tried to file through his memories, searching for something to distract him.

"See this blood?" he heard Jack say. There was fondness in her voice. He grasped for a memory, trying to distance himself from a conversation he knew he did not belong to. "This was my first kill." The memory found him, not one he was looking for, but a distraction nonetheless.

_His tiny body had moved like the hanar so graceful in the ocean. Slipping into shadows, soundlessly over any obstacle, fluid like water. His breathing was shallow, regulated, keeping the blood from rushing to his brain and forfeiting his senses. The world around him existed and it did not. His battle-sleep had begun._

_He twisted soundlessly around corners, shuffling from one dark corner to the next. His target stood over the corpse of a dead krogan, poking and prodding with seeming disinterest. Thane stepped from the shadows, drawing up all five-feet of his tiny frame. His target must have sensed him. He spun around and pulled his weapon clumsily and fired. Thane skirted around the single shot, dropping his weight, fingers steeled into a point as he jabbed right into the salarian's throat. Windpipe crushed the salarian's fingers drew limp and the weapon fell helplessly to the ground with a startling __**clack**__. Thane stepped around his victim and the scientist drooped into his arms. He snapped the others neck with one sharp motion, ending his suffering. Gently he lowered him to the floor and folded the dead man's arms peacefully over his chest. His own hands came together in prayer, forgiveness to the–_

"–You ready?" Shepard asked.

"Yes," Thane replied instantly. He blinked back to reality, glancing to Jack. She nodded to him and he returned the gesture.

The three returned to the shuttle without another word. Five minutes later, the sound of an explosion so powerful shook the shuttle like a toy. Thane could feel the blast echoing in his chest. Jack slouched smugly in the seat, eyes turning to the window. Shepard said nothing. He glanced to Thane but the drell had already closed his eyes, slipping away into a flash of memories. Caught in the memories of the past.

* * *

**A/N:** My chapters are always short. Boo to me. I apologize. This will get more Thane/Shep oriented soon. I do not plan on writing every side-mission, but this was just to give a taste of Thane's... mentality.

I thank y'all for reading and reviewing. It is much appreciated.


	3. Chapter 3

When they became reacquainted with the Normandy, Thane quietly excused himself back to his quarters. As usual, his first task was to dismantle and clean each of his weapons. Typically, it did not take long. He found himself, unsurprisingly, slipping into memories. His hands continued to move automatically, sliding pieces apart, working the cleaning oil and cloth expertly into each tiny little notch.

_He was becoming a stranger to his own home. When had Irikah purchased such an elaborate aquarium? The glow assaulted his eyes, despite the soft blue it emitted. It felt harsh, foreign. He moved before it, gloveless fingers pressing to the smooth glass. A paddle fish pressed its snout curiously to his fingertips. He drew one finger slowly downward. It followed, raptured by his presence. He felt an intense hatred for the fish. When had it gotten here?_

_The room had been re-arranged. He wondered why. Although his eyesight was by no means useless in the dark, he raised a hand anyways. The room spilled forth with light. The table was new. The chairs too. A frown worried his lips. He turned in a full circle, studying every new and strange item. Calculating what had been lost and gained. He suddenly felt unwelcome. A coldness collected in his body and he felt weak in the knees. He drew a slow breath but the chill did not cease. He heard her footsteps, light, cautious._

_He turned to face her. She was carrying a makeshift weapon—a lampshade—and he almost smiled. Her face lost all tension upon seeing him. Her eyes widened, sunset, beautiful, golden-orange. A sigh left her lips and she lowered the "weapon"._

_"Goddesses, Thane. You scared me," she whispered. She pressed a hand to her forehead and her body bent with relief. His gaze shifted away, ashamed. "You didn't send a message you were coming."_

_"No," he confirmed quietly. I wanted it to be a surprise. His hands slipped behind his back to clasp together. His eyes once again slowly swept across the foreign room. How long had it been like this...?_

_Awkwardly she placed the lamp on a nearby desk. She moved towards him, quickly, but elegantly. She was blessed with such grace. She wrapped her arms around him, face pressed into his chest. The anxiety he had felt from earlier disappeared with the touch. He carefully returned the embrace._

_"Irikah, I–"_

"Commander Shepard has requested permission to enter," EDI called gently. Thane jerked from the memory, eyes shifting down to find his Mantis cleaned and reassembled to perfection. When had he...

"He may enter," Thane said quietly, though his voice felt so far away.

Shepard entered, half grinning and waving as he did. Thane's gaze did not move from his weapon.

"Hey, so, do you have a minute?" Shepard asked.

"Of course." Thane lifted the Mantis carefully before placing it on the gun rack along the wall. He adjusted it slightly where it lay. The perfectionist in him required symmetry when at all possible.

"So, I've been noticing you've been a little out of it lately."

Thane turned sharply, alarmed. "Has my performance been inadequate, Commander?" Flickers of memories from the last mission passed before his eyes. When had he made a mistake? Missed a command? Had he hesitated too long for a shot? Waited too long to use his bitoics? What had he done–

"–No, god, no." Shepard waved his hands in the air quickly, laughing quietly. Thane frowned in response. "It's not that. It's... in between missions that I'm starting to get worried. You look..." Shepard struggled for words. "Lost?"

Thane blinked. Once. Twice. He looked away. "I..." His response faltered on his lips. He could not explain himself. His gaze returned, sharpened with caution. "I apologize."

"No, that's..." Shepard rubbed the back of his head, shifting uncomfortably. "That's not what I'm after. I'm here to ask if you need to talk. A friendly ear."

Talk? Thane's brow furrowed and he frowned severely. "I do not understand."

Shepard clicked his teeth quietly, eyes searching the ceiling. Thane found the gesture odd. He did not recall coming across other humans that had done it. He was unable to find meaning behind it.

"Thane... I know you've got a lot going on in your head. Between the mission... And well..." Shepard swallowed thickly. "Being sick... I'm sure you've got a lot of things to think about. And if I can help you settle any of these thoughts, any past mistakes, anything you're looking to correct... Well, now's the time. Your mental and emotional health is important to me too."

_Ah._Thane bowed his head slightly. "Your concern is appreciated, but–"

"Unnecessary, yeah, yeah." Shepard crossed his arms loosely, weight shifting to one foot. "Enough of that bullshit. Talk. What's eating you?" Startled, Thane recoiled slightly and stared wordlessly.

There was silence.

More silence...

A seemingly infinite abyss expanded between the two. And although they could physically see each other, it was as though they had been pushed to complete other sides of the universe. Nothing but that silence filled the room.

Shepard shifted uncomfortably. "EDI, are the translators broken?"

"They are working, Shepard," EDI confirmed.

"All right..." Shepard said quietly. "Okay. Clearly that approach didn't work. I'm sorry. I don't meant o force you to talk, you just really look like you could use it. Want to talk about something else? What did you think about the last mission?"

He was grasping desperately for conversation. His voice was trembling slightly—with nervousness. His hands moving, animated. Slight perspiration forming on his forehead. Thane took pity. He gestured to the chairs overlooking the ship's core drive and together they seated.

"It was a successful mission," Thane said quietly. His fingers locked together over the table, lifted to rest just below his lips. His oily-black eyes captured the memory of Shepard's gaze. It was... sincere. He locked that look into memory. "Although I am pained to see Jack having such a torturous past... I hope that the success of the mission goes beyond simply terminating the facility for good."

"Yeah," Shepard said slowly, once realizing Thane was done speaking. "I talked to her a little. She's still all fired up, but she's not as..." He itched his neck, frowning as he searched for words. "As... trouble," he said diplomatically.

"I imagine she held a lot of guilt and pain from her time there." Thane smiled weakly. He felt an ache in his chest that forced his mind to shuffle through memories. Yes, guilt. He was all too aware of the weight it carried. A soft sigh left him and Thane closed his eyes. "I told you of my wife, Irikah. And how I met her."

"Yeah," Shepard nodded.

"I have not been completely honest." Thane, again, felt a sigh escaping his body but he held it back. "I... also have a son. Kolyat."

Shepard blinked, leaning forward. "You have a son? Really?"

"After... Irikah..." Thane swallowed thickly. "After she... _When I.._

_The alarm goes off. Loud, unmistakable, vibrations so intense they are chilling. I lift myself from my sniping perch, all aches and pains gone, abandoning my contract without a thought. I run. My heart pounds, I cannot breathe. The VI informs me there is an intruder._

_I request, beg, to be transferred to her omnitool. She does not answer. The air is cold, suffocating. A chill not from the weather settles in my bones. I cannot feel my feet beneath me or my hands as they press call over and over... The VI transfers me. Someone answers. It is Kolyat. His voice trembles, he is crying, terrified, begging for me. My heart shatters in my chest, I feel helpless and so very responsible._

_I tell him to hide in the place I showed him. He goes silent but I continue to whisper encouraging words into his ear. I force my way onto the first shuttle to Kahje. All I can do is weep..."_

Clearly shaken, Thane pressed his face into his upraised hands. Shepard reached slowly, tentatively, and brushed a hand comfortingly to the drell's wrist. Thane drew away from the touch and stood, hands clasping behind his back as he faced the wall.

"Thane, I'm sorry."

"I wish to be alone for now, Commander."

"Thane..."

"Please."

Had Shepard hesitated a moment longer, Thane may have crumbled all together, confessions tumbling from his lips. The human, however, rose just in time. He nodded slightly, respectfully and left the room.

So instead, Thane crumbled to the floor, alone. Body shaking, heaving with emotion. _Her blood painted the walls and floor. Soaked through the carpet. The same carpet he had tread so many times through barefoot. He touched her face, waxy and cold with death. Her eyes were opened, lifeless, white. The sunset was gone. Fallen for good into dusk. He wept pathetically, stumbling through the home. His hands grasped at the wall at the end of the hallway, tracing invisible lines._

_"Kolyat," he choked. Words strangled him. He nearly tore down the wall with pure biotic strength. The secret compartment opened. Kolyat's small body trembled and shook, face pressed into bent knees, arms clutching himself. Thane gathered him into his arms and Kolyat grasped at him, too afraid to speak. "Kolyat... don't... don't look." He forced his son's face into his chest, cradling his sight from the blood stained walls and lifeless woman. The woman of gentle nature, soft and sweet smiles, voice like an angel. His siha..._

_He fled, son held tightly in his arms, tears choking his vision_.

Thane lay for a long time on the life support floor. It was cold. He felt every inch of the steel floor on his exposed skin. The chill bled through his clothing. Breathing was hard and his eyes stung. He wallowed in that pain. Satisfied that he deserved nothing less.

* * *

**A/N:** I'm sorry this took so long to update. I'm playing ME2 on insanity... and well... yeah.

Awkward Shepard is awkward. :l

I thank y'all for reading and reviewing. It is most appreciated.


	4. Chapter 4

_"Daddy, daddy! Look, look what I found!" _

_It was the first time Kolyat had seen the ocean. At first, he moved tentatively to those sighing waves. He was curious, hand clutched insistently around his fingers, hands so very small in his._

_Kolyat moved forward, bare feet sliding clumisly across the soft white sand. One toe touched the water, then his entire foot. Those big black eyes had turned up to him, wonderment, joy. Then he was splashing along those gentle lapping waves, gleeful giggles erupting from his tiny lungs._

_And then he had found his first sea pebble, smoothed and caressed by the gentle waves. Beautiful colors-pink and orange, blue, violet, green, black, white... There were thousands in the sand and Kolyat was on the brave mission of bringing every single pretty pebble to his father. Smiling, Thane held his hands together, allowing his son to press each precious piece into his palms. _

_His hands weren't big enough for the world Kolyat was showing him._

It took him a long time to finally gather himself from the floor. In a sick way it was providing him with enough foundation to keep him from falling apart at the seams. Just feeling the cool, hard, unforgiving surface reminded him exactly what his life was. He was born to endure, conditioned to sustain. He was built to carry the weight of the world.

And now, he had a mission. One last mission. One last contract to fulfill. He had every intention of completing it. He was just ashamed his mind was so preoccupied with the past he couldn't see the future. Perhaps it was not entirely his fault. Not even the best teacher could tame the memory of a drell.

His time was short. But it was time enough to make the galaxy all the brighter. If not for himself, then for Kolyat. Kolyat was somewhere out there. And he needed a world absent of collectors and reapers, bandits and thugs. Thane had made a dent with his time so far, but with Shepard... He could achieve so much more. He could help shape a galaxy where Kolyat would have the chance to love and be loved. Enough time to leave no stone untouched.

Thane drew in several long, deep breaths as he sat on the floor, legs crossed, hands pressed together in prayer. Although his posture was picture perfect... For the first time in his life—Thane found himself at a loss of words. Never had he been unable to articulate his thoughts and ask for forgiveness or clarity. Or find himself unable to recite a single prayer.

Disturbed, he picked himself up from the floor and stared blankly into the drive core. "EDI?" he asked quietly. Shepard deserved an apology. Until that was achieved, he would be unable to think of anything else but that embarrassment that now haunted his conscious thoughts.

"Yes, Sere Krios?" the AI chimed gently.

"Where is Commander Shepard?"

"He is currently speaking to Mr. Moreau on the bridge. Shall I inform him that you request his presence?"

Thane mused quietly for a moment. "Yes. Please."

A pause. "Commander Shepard is on his way."

He did not move from where he had stood. Hands clasped behind his back, face shifted towards the drive core, looking and feeling much like a statue. The colors from the drive core danced across his vision. He often pretended it was the ocean back on Kahje. So unpredictably beautiful and energetic. He wanted to reach his hand out in the seemingly liquid blue, let his fingers run through its purity and be cleansed. His mind teetered on the edge of memories.

The door chimed and Shepard entered. The memories fizzled to nothing. Shepard was cautious. Not moving with the same lightness as usual. He seemed timid, nervous. As though he was intruding, despite the fact he had been invited.

"Hey, Thane... Feeling better?" Shepard asked awkwardly.

"Yes." Thane's face shifted towards the man, but his eyes could not leave those dancing blue streams of energy. "I wanted to apologize for my behavior. I have been unprofessional. It will no longer be a problem."

"Uh-huh." Thane finally looked to the man. Shepard looked unconvinced. Crossed arms, weight shifted to one leg, one eyebrow raised, a slight smirk—unintended for mockery, but more blatant disbelief. "Do you drink?" Thane started to answer but Shepard cut him off. "Doesn't matter, you do now. We're making a short stop in Illium tonight to resupply. I told the crew we get a few hours of shore-leave. You, me, Garrus and anyone else we get our hands on are going to the bar." Thane moved to object again, but once more, Shepard cut him off. "And that's an order." He nodded smugly, turned and sauntered out with a finalized wave over his shoulder.

Thane was left staring, lips parted, brow-ridge furrowed. Once again, speechless and at the mercy of his swirling thoughts.

* * *

He was not accustomed with the sound of booming music, hooting and hollering, bodies twisting and shoving, pushing together and grinding. The smell of alcohol nearly suffocating and wafting from every mouth. Sweat pooling down withering bodies, hands grasping and touching, finding comfort in the arms and lips of perfect strangers. There were too many people, not enough exits. Anyone could be an assassin in disguise, ready to plunge a knife into him—or his companions. His eyes couldn't move fast enough to follow all the chaotic movements. The vibrations of disembodied voices and music pounded together so loudly his head was beginning to ache. He wanted to leave. But by direct orders, he was to stay.

He sat stiffly at their booth, back strategically to the wall, eyes locking every suspicious face into memory. Damn near everyone on the crew had taken advantage of the shore-leave. Thane wasn't much of a jealous person, but he currently envied Samara, Mordin and Miranda who were all absent and no doubt finding more productive things to do with their free time.

For the first time, Thane found the voices of his crew and squadmates to be overbearingly annoying. Accents, dialects and languages were lost in the translators as more alcohol fumbled words beyond recognition. Even technology had its limits.

"Krios!" Garrus was trying to yell over the sound of the club and Thane was doing his very best to pretend like he couldn't hear him. "Take a god damn drink! We're here for you!" He pointed enthusiastically to the drell's untouched beverage. "I promise, it's not poisoned!"

"Garrus is right!" Shepard said. Thane's gaze narrowed and shifted to his commander. "Don't give me that look. Drink it. It's an order."

Thane thought of disobeying. Or coming up with an excuse-his medication wasn't compatible with alcohol. For some reason, he had the feeling Shepard had already combed Dr. Chakwas for such facts and would call him out. He did not want to be marked as a compulsive liar.

Holding back a sigh, Thane took the glass. It was sweating, cold to touch and wetted his finger tips uncomfortably. It tasted sweet, but had a bite. He squeezed his eyes against the assaulting taste. It burned and left his tongue tingling.

Despite Garrus' proclamation, alcohol was, indeed, a poison. Fun fact.

"All of it, Krios!" Shepard demanded. Again Thane gave a dark calculating glare that only made Shepard grin wider. Already on his fourth drink, the smoldering scowl of a certain assassin could only bring boyish giggle of defiance from his lips. Thane finished his drink and Shepard gave him a hard pat on the back. "Atta boy, we'll getchu another round." Thane attempted protest, but, apparently, his protests fell on deaf ears. Abuse of power, anyone?

One drink turned to two, then three-it got easier to stomach the more he drank-four, five and six. Now on seven, the world was beginning to swirl and sway dreamily. His senses felt choked, but at the same time his body warmed to the chaos it was introduced to. The faces of his companions were contorted with laughter and smiles. He blinked blearily at them, trying to recall a time in which their expressions were all so animated. Was this what it was like to drown away worries? Let's forget about the pain of yesterday and the horrors of tomorrow. Just drink and drink and we'll laugh and laugh and for now everything will seem okay.

Had he ever been drunk? No. Had a few drinks, sure. Felt the warm buzz of alcohol, the flush of blood pulsating under his scales, the pleasant numbness on his lips... But never had the world felt so... surreal.

"So, Thane." Shepard elbowed his way closer, practically yelling into Thane's ear. The vibrations of his voice were low, pleasantly deep, drawn out syllables that distracted from the question asked.

Thane blinked slowly. "...What?" He was, genuinely confused. Unable to even recollect the words that had been spoken. Since when did he find Shepard's voice pattern, pitch and tone so mesmerizing? Maybe that was why the Illusive Man had resurrected him. He had a nice voice. It demanded attention. Thane swayed slightly where he stood, trying very hard to focus. Shepard had blue eyes. Electric. Fierce, but so very gentle. How was that possible?

Shepard laughed. "What is right! You feel better?"

Thane splayed his fingers slowly on the table before him. He acknowledged how the surface was slippery and untextured. Unremarkable. _No,_ he wanted to say. _Nothing has changed. The memories are still there, just currently drowning in a sea of alcohol and tonic. Tomorrow everyone will remember what we face and what is at stake. When we are sober, we will resume being crushed by the weight of our uncertain tomorrow. But, thank you. Because for a moment, the pain is dulled._

Instead, his face hit the table and he surrendered to that sea of alcohol and tonic.

* * *

**A/N: **I am so very sorry this took so long to post (and that it's so short, I'm actually embarrassed /weeps) and that it is kinda random ass chapter. I have been so ungodly busy between summer classes and work.

I don't think Thane would be good at drinking...

As always, thank you for reading and reviewing.


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